The Joke Thread

[witsd]

I'm going to sell my wife's theremin. She's had it for two years and never touched it.

 

[Tarnagh]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 

[Tarnagh]

 

[Seige]

What Generation did Forest Gump belong to?

Gen A.

 

[Flippy]

Did you know that you can't run through campgrounds?


You have to ran.





Because it's past tents.

 

[itsalazything]

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

 

[Readout]

Ah, wrong thread, pls delete

OK.

 

[BisectedBrioche]

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[Tarnagh]

Charles will be known as Charles III

When is the Royal mail going to be renamed C3PO?

 

[Tarnagh]

 

[witsd]

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels!"
"Why?"
"Yeah, sometimes."

 

[Readout]

Remembered one of my old favourites today:

What do you call eight hobbits?

A hobbyte.

 

[Tarnagh]

I will not apologize for this.

 

[Tarnagh]

 

[BisectedBrioche]

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[Tarnagh]

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

 

[Tarnagh]

If you are in a Sublime cover band

You will actually have to practice Santeria

 

[BisectedBrioche]

A niche joke:



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[Tarnagh]

Me: *stares into abyss*

Abyss: ......

Abyss: dude, WHAT!?

 

[Tarnagh]

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a cab?

 

[Tarnagh]

"Please use quinoa in a sentence."

"Bruce Lee let out a keen 'waa' with each strike against his opponent."

 

[Tarnagh]

I only get sick on weekdays.

I have a weekend immune system.

 

[Tarnagh]

 

[Tarnagh]

 

[Tarnagh]

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do.

 

[Tarnagh]

Rocks are UFO's if you throw them hard enough at someone unaware.

 

[witsd]

I've built a new air-freshener that uses a direct neural link to activate.

Seems crazy, but it makes scents if you think about it.

 

[Tarnagh]

Wife: Go away, I don't like your attitude.

Me: I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little on edge.

Wife: I can tell by your sighs.

Me: What're you talking about? Is it that obvious?

Wife: Sighs matters.

 

[Tarnagh]

When eating people makes you fart, it's "Soylent but deadly."

 

[Tarnagh]

"Why do the French only use one egg in their omelettes?"

Because one egg is un œuf.